Maternity Leave Doesn't Work

I recently read an article in Bloomberg Businessweek about the lack of maternity leave, paid or unpaid, in the United States. The max most people can take at most companies is a 12 week optional unpaid leave. The standard paid leave (and by standard I mean 60% of your pay) falls under short term disability and you always hear six weeks for normal delivery and eight weeks for c-section.

However, I found out the hard way that it's technically four weeks paid time off for a normal delivery and it is at the discretion of the company to pay the other two for a total of six weeks paid. There are some companies like Google and Facebook that offer four to five months paid though. So why are there so many different rules that are company based and not government based? Not that I want the government running yet one more aspect of life, but there's something to be said when America lags so far behind other countries in this area.

When I started working at my previous job, I knew it was a risk to get pregnant as a new employee. However, the job that I came from before did not have any benefits; no insurance, no vacation, paid holidays were cut back. There were a million things running through my head at the time. I had recently graduated with a BA and really wanted to pursue a career in my field. I decided to put that on hold and find a job that would get me through maternity leave. I thought I was pretty lucky to land the job that I did, but when I was a month into working and got pregnant, I totally freaked out. I didn't tell a single soul at work, not even my cube-mate. I was pushing five months pregnant when I finally told my two bosses.
It's a shame that women feel they must hide something from their employer in fear of losing their job. In the article I read, this woman was a week into her job and found out she was pregnant. When she told her boss, his comment was, "you know you're still on a 90-day probation period". A few weeks later, the woman was let go due to "reorganization" of the company. When I finally released the news to my employer, they were surprisingly great about it. I had a meeting with HR to go through all the paperwork, and boy was it a lot of info!

When time finally came to file for leave, I ran into some issues with getting paid. I felt really uncomfortable asking my employer where my check was, but I had no other choice. In the long run, everything was straightened out, but six weeks was just not long enough for me. I decided to opt for four more weeks (unpaid of course) because I was not ready to leave Jase just yet. In total, I ended up taking the full 12 weeks. That was a long time to be away from work and many people asked if I was coming back.

The week leading up to my return to work was extremely stressful to say the least. I just got into the swing of being a first-time-mom and we were developing a routine. I remember crying non-stop at the thought of leaving my baby in someone else's care. He would be fine, but it was me that was a mess! I really struggled the first month back at work, but finally felt like I fit back in.

From February to December, I worked my heart and soul out for that company. It became my life. So when I put my notice in and eventually left, I was hit with the harsh reality that I no longer had work to engulf myself in. The first week at home was really tough. I found myself in that weird transition phase again and, you guessed it, cried a lot that week! I was once again trying to figure out how to get into a new routine.

After taking some time to reflect, I know that the bouncing back and forth took its toll on me. I was mentally and physically exhausted. I am not the stay-at-home mom type so it was a big adjustment. Initially, three months was not long enough, but the eleven months back at work ruined me. I was caught up in trying to be an amazing employee, while at the same time going into mom mode then wife mode at home. I found little time for ME mode. I knew there was a problem when the days were just motions I was going through. I found myself watching Jase learn new things, but not fully enjoying them.

I don't know how others feel about it, but I've found myself caught up in conversation with women about maternity leave in other countries. Italy offers 22 weeks at 80% pay, while Ireland has 42 weeks at 80% and Australia and the UK provide 52 weeks; the first six weeks are at 90% pay. There are several senators pushing for the United States to make federal laws that cover a longer period of time. Twelve weeks just isn't enough. I do feel that if I had longer in the beginning, it would have been an easier adjustment.

Craft week

Crafting is something I enjoy so much, and I haven't gotten many opportunities over the last year. I haven't even kept up with the baby book details as good as I did the first three or four months. I've only kept the details in the notes section on the phone. <<< I know others out there that are guilty of the same thing!! LOL. So last week, I decided to take some time and make some craft projects with Jase that I've seen on Pinterest, but put off for so long.

The first one wasn't really a craft project so much, but just laziness on my part. When I gave birth to Jase, my husband and I brought a plain white onesie to the hospital with a sharpie marker. We made all the hospital staff that took care of us sign it the night Jase was born. Everyone LOVED the idea and said they were going to keep it in mind. (Thanks Pinterest). Since then, that onesie was folded up and put in a drawer with the other "day he was born" items. I finally took the time to get out to Michael's and buy a frame. It's now hanging on the wall in his nursery.

Love it!

The actual craft that Jase and I worked on was so much fun, but difficult with a wiggly one year old! I bought the canvas a year ago and it's been in the closet. Even worse, I had to climb into the attic to find my old paints from college! That brought back so many memories. When I got everything together on the table, I started mixing colors. Jase stood on a kitchen chair and watched me paint and even tried to help me a few times. Once the base colors were one, Jase decided to take a nap. Painting is hard work. :) 

During his nap, the canvas dried so it was ready for hand and foot prints when he woke up. The right hand print was the first attempt and came out perfect, but he started clapping and jumping around. He was too excited and had a blast. I quickly got the rest of the prints and washed the paint off his little feet and hands. I love the way they turned out and it kept us busy on a day we were stuck inside. 

Jase lending a hand

So much character

Cry it Out!

I imagine this topic will hit home with a lot of mothers out there and spark debate about what's right and wrong. I've always been one that can argue both sides of any issue (should have been an attorney!). However, I'm stuck on this one. Oh don't get me wrong, I can see pros and cons to crying it out...also known as CIO, but I'm in a pickle.

As I stated in the last blog, I have a 14 month old that still gets rocked to sleep. I'm sure a lot of people rolled their eyes and thought, "Seriously? She's doing something wrong". Judge all you want, but it's just what works for us right now. We've tried cry it out many times and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. 

For those of you who don't know the term CIO, it's basically a controlled method of letting your child cry for intervals of time until they've cried themselves to sleep. Typically, a parent would wait 10 minutes, go in the room, pat baby on the back and tell him it's okay and goodnight. Then stretch to 15-20 minutes and repeat the process. This all comes from the Ferber approach. There are other, much less horrifying approaches as well, such as the camp out method.

I tried a version of the camp out method many months ago. I slept in the floor of the nursery and any time I heard Jase stirring, I would pat him on the back. When he had crying fits, I would rub his back, making sure not to pick him up, and help him settle back to sleep. This approach actually worked really well and he was sleeping much better within a few days. However, throw a sick baby in the mix and all sleep training goes out the window! So the process started over again. His sleeping got better, then worse.

Around mid-December, I made a big mistake. Zombified, I walked into his room in the middle of the night (after he woke up crying of course), picked him up and brought him to bed with me. Worst habit to break people!! When you're tired and desperate for sleep, you'll do some crazy things. Let's just say since then, I've struggled to get that kid back in his crib at night. Back to crying it out we go.

I've read so many articles and studies on CIO v. non-CIO and there are some very valid points. So, as I lay in bed listening to Jase cry through the wall, tears rolling down my face as well, I look at the clock and see how long he cried. TWO MINUTES. Wow. I can't get through two minutes without feeling like I'm a horrible parent.

I thought back to an article I read about children that stayed by their mother's side all the time. This was mainly due to predators and fear of the child getting attacked (we're talking cave man times here). But what a good point. Babies are trained to be by mother's side at all times for protection and comfort. I also read a study done on babies that were put through the CIO method compared to babies that were not. The babies that were put through CIO method had more stress on their hearts and were more likely to develop heart problems later in life.

So in the two minutes I listened to him cry, all of this is running through my head. However, I continued to try this cry it out method for several days. It's all or nothing with this method, so you have to stick to it and let them cry all night. Not once at bedtime, then comfort them the next. No, it's all or nothing. After a few days, Jase picked up on what I was selling and slept through the night. The next night was a different story though and he cried almost every hour, then woke up sick. Yup. Sick. Again. I couldn't believe it. I waited until he was better and tried again. A few nights went by and same thing. Sick baby. The odd part is he will have one night of sleeping great, then the next he is awake all night, followed by another night of just waking once.

I've come to the conclusion that the CIO method just doesn't work with Jase. He is not a crier normally. He has always been a happy baby so my mind is thinking, "if he's crying, then there's got to be a valid reason". I'd be hard pressed to try cry it out again, but I would like some sleep! When he does sleep, I'm still awake checking on him though. I'll just keep telling myself it has to end eventually!